I think that this blog, as little or as large as it is or becomes, should reflect my honest thoughts. I am no poster girl, nor do I think that a page full of illusions about my life would help anyone reading this who resonates with my current emotions.

Anyone who has ever applied for anything prestigious will know that you almost always get asked that dreaded question; “Why do you want to be a doctor/chef/circus-stunt-performer?”. It seems like such an inconvenience – what a stupid question to ask?! It feels like you have to explain every little detail about the life decisions you’ve made to a total stranger.

For some reason (that I ironically can’t yet explain) I’ve been having a crisis of identity over the past few weeks. I’ve really been struggling with medicine, and I can’t seem to find a way to fix my problems, like I’ve been doing for the past 20 years.

I am doubting myself, and doubting my ability to actually fulfil my dream of being a doctor. It’s not that I’ve decided I don’t like medicine – in fact, being a clinical student has made me like it even more. I’m just exhausted, unable to concentrate, and finding it difficult to stay on top of things. I guess you could say that I’ve lost my balance/mojo/[insert keyword for success].

My latest defeat came in the form of Pastest, an online question bank for clinical years. I just can’t seem to answer the questions without second guessing myself or making the wrong choice. It feels defeating, I’m not going to lie to you; it feels like a great big wall in my way that I can’t seem to knock down (BTW – Pastest you are great, it’s me, not you).

During one of my ice-cream-destroying-whilst-wallowing-in-self-pity sessions, I was thinking about when I got into medical school. How passionate I was, and how proud I was to have an answer to the bloody question that everyone kept asking.

Then, I realised the importance of the dreaded question, the reason why everyone asks you the same thing; If you can explain to them why you’re so desperate and adamant to follow that life path, then you can explain to yourself why you are so desperate and adamant to follow that life path.

When you start asking yourself why on earth you decided an emotional, working-class girl of average intelligence would be a good fit for medical school, you can answer yourself.

The point isn’t that we doubt ourselves, the point is how well we can use that to fuel us during hard times. To take negative thoughts and negative comments and turn those into emotional fuel. The point is to celebrate strength and weakness, not revel in one and fear the other.

As Rudyard Kipling wrote, “If you can dream, and not make dreams your master; If you can think and not make thoughts your aim; If you can meet with triumph and disaster, and treat those two imposters just the same”.

Maybe it’s okay that I’m a little weak. After all, you know what they say – “When the going gets tough, the tough get going”.

So in that case, maybe I’m here to stay?