“You cannot lose something you have never had”

This is banded around often. It is on motivational posters, inspirational Instagram posts and chances are, your own family have said it before. Well, I am personally here to dispel the myth – you can definitely mourn the loss of something you have never possessed. However, what you mourn is not the object or goal itself, but perhaps the potential. 

You can certainly mourn how agonisingly close you came to having this one thing you so desperately want. This is further heightened by the phenomenon that some of us (most of us) seem to connect all the facets of life to the ideals we treasure most; the ones we do not have. These coveted assets cause a lot of pain – especially when they are entirely untouchable.

You may be wondering where this story came from, or is going. Well, let me share. My own coveted secret is a desire to have a symmetrical face. I do not mean every hair, wrinkle or spot, but I have always desperately clung to the idea of looking like other people, despite trying to rid myself of this unattainable goal that causes so much grief.

I go through oscillating cycles of trying to feel content about myself, and wanting to wallow in the self pity of what I cannot have. In those troughs, I spend time dreaming, wishing and imagining what that girl would’ve been like. I tell myself that more people would’ve liked her. She would’ve been more successful. She would’ve been happier. She would’ve achieved more. I also tell myself that there is no point trying to reach these goals, because I am not her.

This is false.

The person I am now, with my achievements and my weaknesses – this is me. If I had the face I desperately wanted, it would be at a dear cost. The girl I wanted to be, would’ve lacked understanding and empathy for others. She would’ve made it through life, beautiful, and oblivious to the suffering around her. Would she have even chosen medicine? Probably not.

As indulgent as it may be, to blame my problems on a cruel twist of fate, it will never let me heal. I  will never achieve anything if I give everything up for one dream. The truth is, I HAVE lost something, even if I never knew what it was like. A part of me is missing, but I need to close the system and let it equilibrate. I need to mourn, and let go.